I frequently saw how parents showered their children with kisses and words of affirmation during morning drop-offs when I was doing early childhood.
Being a little cynical, I’d sometimes think about how Elijah or Rui Qi is receiving so much love, care, attention, and support now, but eventually, she’ll grow up to be one of us.
‘Us’, as in “yet another Asian child who never felt much love or support and goes through their whole life seeking parental validation.”.
It makes me think about why and how Asian parents go from being a dispensary of endless expressions of love for their children to a person who rarely says, “I love you” and can even be verbally and emotionally manipulative.
Before you start calling me an ingrate and saying, “Wait until you actually become a parent!” This pipeline is simply something that I’ve pondered on many times.
And I get it. You expect your child to be more independent as they grow older, and you have high expectations for your child as an Asian parent.
So you think, “Everyone’s accomplishing that, so it should be what they’re accomplishing anyway. That’s the baseline!” as they’ve achieved more throughout life.
But remember when you were once celebrating your child for knowing how to write their name? But for some reason, getting straight A’s or winning a medal in school competitions now isn’t impressive.
So if I ask most parents “Are you supportive of your child?”, most would probably say ‘yes’ instinctively. But…
Ask Yourself, Are You A Supportive Parent?
When was the last time you showed genuine interest in something your child is pursuing, without judgement, dissuading them because you thought they were “wasting their time” or persuading them to go for something “more useful” instead?
And when was the last time you showed genuine pride in something your child accomplished without taking any credit for it? You were simply proud of your child’s abilities.
Maybe you think you just “know what’s right for them” or want to put them on a path you think will benefit them the most in life because you love them.
I know you love them. What parent doesn’t love their child?
But in wanting to do “what’s best for their child,” a lot of parents tend to forget that their child is a person with their own individuality, and they have to show love to them, too.
What A Lack of Love and Support Does To Your Child
Do I even have to explain this?
Well, OK then.
If your child rarely feels any love or support, they’ll have low self-esteem because they were never validated for anything they did.
So your child might also set unhealthy and unrealistic expectations because they think their efforts are “never enough.”
Parents, is your child developing anxiety over their SA1 test scores worth it?
And what about your child saying, “My depression started because my parents never supported me in anything, so I always felt alone.” In their therapists’ office, 10 years down the road?
Your child will probably also be fighting for your love and approval by overachieving at school, trying to please you even if they’re not happy or comfortable with something.
Or they might also display “attention-seeking” behaviour, like being rebellious, just so you show them that you still care about them.
But if they don’t get love and support consistently, they might turn to other vices for comfort, like dating older people who call them “mature” when they’re 15, binge-eating, smoking, or drugs.
So What Can You Do?
I know you mean well by preparing fruits for us, and that’s your sign of love too. But realistically, more can be done.
I’m not asking you to prepare your child’s favourite meal every night, rub their shoulders while they’re watching TV, or pick them up from school every day.
Simple things can be done to remind them of your love and support. And this depends on your love language as a person.
The 5 main love languages are
Quality Time
Spend quality time with your child and stay off your email, so they know you’re there for them.
Acts of Service
Probably the most common one among Asian parents, this includes cutting fruits for them, making sure they have a hot dinner to come back to, or mending holes you see in their clothes.
Gift Giving
This seems to be 50-50. Some parents might be busy, so they love making sure their child is well taken care of through gifts and services. But other parents might find it a waste of money.
So whichever you are, there’s no shame if you want to spoil your child with gifts or whether you think they’re a waste of money!
But tuition with one of SmileTutor’s 50,000 reputable tutors is a great service many Asian parents love giving!
Words of Affirmation
Now, this one might be hard for many Asian parents. Because you have to say the dreaded three words: “I,” “Love,” and “You.”
But if you’re too uncomfortable, just remember to say encouraging words when they’re stressed out in school, or remind them about how proud you are of how far they’ve come.
Physical Touch
As the name implies, it’s usually hugs, kisses and cuddles. Whether you and your child like it is up to you guys! But many teenagers might find it disturbing to kiss their parents, though…
Conclusion
As with any matter of the heart and mind, consistency is important.
Don’t just prepare fruits for them often, then get tired of doing it and stop, or your child might think you don’t love them anymore.
And can you blame them? Children and teenagers are still unsure of a lot of things in life.
But as their parents, the one thing you can make sure they’re of is your love and support for them!
Facebook