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You might believe that to discipline a child, you have to be harsh and that punishment is a must. However, recent studies seem to suggest otherwise.
“Where did we ever get a crazy idea that in order to make a child do better, first we have to make them feel worse?” Dr. Jane Nelsen, Author of the ‘Positive Discipline’ series.
Remember when we were children ourselves and we felt so suffocated whenever our parents shut us down? We were not allowed to ask questions, explore, or express ourselves.
As parents, it can be hard to find the balance when it comes to disciplining our own children. We discipline them the same way our parents did with us.
But we don’t want to be harsh authoritarians like our parents were, and we don’t want to be seen as pushovers by our children either.
Introducing a Revolutionary Concept
That’s where the concept of using positive reinforcement to discipline your children comes in.
I know! It seems counterintuitive and probably ineffective.
Positive reinforcement shows your kid the right thing to do and encourages them to repeat it over time!
Young children respond the best to this style of discipline, and it’s more effective in the long run too.
I know this all sounds a little too good to be true. But believe me, I’m no snake oil salesman!
But now that you’ve heard about this magical technique to discipline your child, what is it?
How come you’ve never heard of it before, and how do you execute it at home properly? Read on!
What is Positive Reinforcement?
(Credits: ResearchGate)
It was American psychologist B.F. Skinner who first theorised positive and negative reinforcements in his theory on ‘Operant Conditioning’ in 1938.
To put it simply, it’s a method to change children’s behaviour by using rewards (positive) and punishments (negative) as reinforcements (motivation) for the child’s desired or undesired behaviour.
‘Positive reinforcement’ is like praising your child after they did well for a test.
Positive vs. Negative Reinforcement
Ah… ‘Negative Reinforcement’.
Contrary to what many think, ‘it’ doesn’t mean punishment. Instead, it means taking away something that your child desires. This will discourage your child from displaying the bad behaviour again in the future.
The opposite of positive reinforcement, and it’s probably why you rarely see it being done.
Because compared to negative reinforcement, positive reinforcement requires more time, effort, and patience to execute.
Why Negative Reinforcement Does Not Work In The Long Run
However, positive reinforcement works in the long run, and the opposite is true for negative reinforcement. It might work as a “quick fix,” but it is not effective at fixing chronic behavioural issues.
“Stop touching the knife or I’ll take your iPad away!”
That’s quick, and it gets them to drop the knife, right? But you might then forget to teach them that knives are dangerous and that you expect them to be careful around knives in the future.
This does nothing to deter them from repeating the action again.
It may work the first time, but your child will probably repeat their offences if you constantly use negative reinforcement in the long run.
Your children won’t learn that the behaviour is bad; they just learn not to do it again to avoid your nagging, threats, or punishments.
The Negative Consequences of Negative Reinforcement
It might just be one scolding today, but look at the big picture 10 years down the road.
Your child will always feel like they’re walking on eggshells around you, and harsh disciplining harbours resentment, anger, and anxiety in your child.
Do you really want your child to feel like that?
The anger and resentment might drive them to rebel against you as well. This will drive a wedge between you two.
Furthermore, your child will grow up lacking confidence, as everything they’ve done is always wrong, and they’ll believe that their parents don’t love them since they’re always scolding them.
Worst of all, your constant berating might drive them to pick up ‘Avoidance Behaviours’, where they start to avoid unpleasant or stressful situations instead of addressing them.
And yes. This is harsh, but that “unpleasant or stressful” situation might include you.
How To Use Positive Reinforcements When Disciplining
(Credits: Fortune Cookie Mom)
Now that you’ve decided you only want to use positive reinforcements when disciplining your child, great! But how do you do it?
Firstly, identify the behaviour that you want to change. It could be anything from respecting the time to brushing their teeth twice a day.
Secondly, make the reward worth working for, but something that is still appropriate. An ice cream cone isn’t going to cut it if your child did well on their test, and it doesn’t make sense to gift your child an iPhone because they’ve been punctual three days in a row.
Thirdly, instead of praising your child, praise their behaviour. This helps them know what they did right and are aware of your expectations.
If your child brushes their teeth without you asking them, say, “Wow, you went to brush your teeth by yourself? I didn’t even have to ask you this time. Good job!”.
And do this as soon as possible after they display the behaviour, so that they can make the connection between the act and the praise.
Lastly, remember to praise your kid often! Once they’ve exhibited the behaviour consistently, you can back down with the praises.
Over time, your child will also think about their other behaviours when you use positive reinforcement, and they’ll change it themselves.
Conclusion
(Credits: Moms Who Think)
While many aspects of parenting and discipline are not one-size-fits-all, positive reinforcement is the one thing that we can all agree on and should be utilised regularly by parents.
Many aspects of the method will ensure your child grows up to be the best person that they can be and will also enhance your child’s life positively in the long run.
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