Firstly, let me assure you that EVERY single child argues with your parents.
Your parents definitely argued with their parents too!
There’s no need to call us ‘unfilial’, say we’re going to give you a heart attack, and compare us to Aunty Lian’s daughter who only studies and never talks back.
Hey Asian parents, maybe it’s time to take a break from the Taiwanese and Korean dramas, yeah?
When our parents are being unreasonable or demanding, what can we do as their children? Not much, unfortunately.
So we usually just keep quiet and let our parents trample over us with their words again, right?
But that doesn’t have to be the case anymore.
Conversations with our parents can be explosive and verbally violent, with many bombs and arrows thrown back and forth.
But ‘The Art of War’ by Sun Tzu, a classic about military strategies, has many lessons that we can learn from when it comes to preventing conflicts with our parents.
So continue reading to learn 7 lessons that can guard you against your parent’s gaslighting, manipulative, and guilt-tripping arrows.
The ‘Art Of War’ by Sun Tzu
Sun Tzu was a Chinese military general, strategist, and philosopher. He’s known for his illustriously successful career in the military.
But he’s famous for writing the ancient book ‘The Art of War’, which guides militaries on how to engage in conflicts and battles.
See, relevant to what we’re talking about, aye?
The book was revolutionary when it came out, and it still is to this day, thousands of years later!
Its teachings have influenced strategic leaders like Mao Zedong and Douglas McArthur, who are important figures that made big waves in history, right?
So if you’re reading this article because the title alone got you interested, then you’re probably a strategic person to begin with!
How Can The Book Help You In Avoiding Conflicts With Your Parents?
The book includes many tactics, tricks, and manoeuvres for winning a war.
How do you win a war without fighting? Can you win a war before it even starts? How do you use your surroundings to your advantage? How do you trick your enemy into their own downfall without you even having to do anything?
The book teaches you all of this.
And let’s be honest, most Asian parents can be as impatient, verbally abusive, and manipulative as the mean girls in school, right?
So if we want to communicate strategically with our parents, a big battle requires us to bring the big guns out.
What lessons can we take from the book?
I’m someone who believes in letting nature take its course. But sometimes, you have to plan in advance.
The Reconnaissance Phase:
Firstly, you should ‘Know Thyself and The Enemy’. When you can know both parties’s strengths and weaknesses, you’ll know what weaknesses of theirs you can exploit and strengths you can’t play to.
Don’t bring your weaknesses into a fight if you don’t want them exploited against you.
Then you can plan for the attack.
The right time and location can make or break the mission.
So make sure it’s advantageous for you! Choose a good spot and a time when they’re least irritable.
Another thing to remember is to ‘Plan For The Worst’.
They might’ve already had a bad day, so you’ll have to put it off. Or the argument might escalate quicker than you expected, so you’ll have to change your plan of attack.
Some ways you can “attack” more effectively are to…
Attack When The Enemy Is Unprepared
This doesn’t just mean launching a surprise attack, but also seizing the opportunity and attacking when the time is right.
Think about the way crocodiles attack. They hide patiently for the gazelle to come to their watering hole, then attack when the gazelle has their guard down.
This way, the situation works the best to the crocodile’s advantage.
Create A False Sense of Security
(Credits: Slane Cartoons)
If your parents are hotheaded atomic bombs, let them know you’re “not” a threat.
Sun Tzu once faced a very much larger enemy army that could easily defeat his.
So he tricked the enemy into thinking they had won, and told his troops to leave a trail of resources as the “fled.” The enemy chased after them, thinking it was an easy victory.
But Sun Tzu’s hidden elite force then launched a surprise attack once the enemy had entered their territory. It was all a trap, and this story points out how important choosing the right location to fight your battle is, as well.
So use a neutral and respectful tone, and constantly reassure your parents by saying things like, “You’re not here to argue.”
Use moral force
Play to your parents’ emotions, beliefs, and egos to get what you want.
It might hurt your ego while you’re doing it, but in the end, who really won?
Control The Narrative
Prepare what you’re going to say, and let your parents believe what you want them to believe.
This will play in your favour.
So focus on what’s important and ignore the smaller issues.
Use positive words so your parents will see the issue in a more positive light.
Maintain A Strong Defence
Finally, you and I are both familiar with the feeling of our parents’ words shooting an arrow straight at our weakness.
And no matter how hard we try not to cry, we feel our face heating up, and finally, a tear drops. Then you know it’s over.
So prepare what you’ll do if your parents say things that they know will hurt you.
You’ll stay clear-headed if you prepare yourself mentally and emotionally first.
So now you know how to prepare and approach the battlefield; that is talking to your Asian parents.
Conclusion
For future “missions,” remember to ‘Learn From Your Mistakes’ by reflecting. Were your parents actually right, and is there something you would change if you did it again?
This way, you’ll also learn how to ‘Vary Your Tactics’ to find what works best with your parents.
But it would be wise to journal or speak to a therapist or friend, as it’s obviously not a good situation to constantly argue with your parents.
If it’s bad grades or help with school that you’re constantly arguing with them about, SmileTutor can help, with our army of 20,000 tutors!
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