What’s the secret to having a great conversation?
You don’t know?
Don’t worry. Most people don’t either.
Are you reading this because you just had a HORRIBLE conversation?
Maybe someone else started a conversation with you, but as it went on, you felt their interest draining. So you tried to hold onto them and the conversation, but before you knew it, they gave you some half-cooked excuse… and they’re gone.
I won’t blame you and don’t take it too hard on yourself either.
Most people don’t realise that having great conversations is an art form. It requires skill, preparation, and experience.
So, unfortunately, you’re going to have to practice and have a few more bad conversations.
But at least with these tips in mind, each conversation might improve, and before you know it, people will be wondering how you got so good at it!
Firstly, A Great Conversation Requires Experience
Not just experience in having conversations, but experiences in life.
Great conversations are never on the surface level. They’re deep.
And when it gets to that level, what do you think you’ll be talking about?
What’s the weather like?
No! You’ll be talking about topics that matter to both of you, like debating whether white or black carrot cake is superior or the economic state of the world in 10 years.
How Do You Get Experience?
If you want to experience life, you’ll actually have to go out and live!
Now, I’m not attacking you if you love binge-watching K-dramas in your room.
But you can’t experience life in your room from a screen.
You have to go out and experience it.
After all, you won’t be able to experience your K-Drama moments IRL if you never go out, right?
You can also read to make yourself more worldly. Keep up with the news and trends, and learn about different points of view to make yourself interesting.
Then you won’t have to experience that fear of not being able to pull anything out of your hat when you feel the conversation dying!
Social Anxiety Has Nothing On You!
I often hear people saying, “We don’t do casual conversations in Singapore,” which is so false.
Compared to the West, sure. We don’t have as many casual conversations with strangers in public.
And that’s probably because Singaporeans tend to be more introverted.
But let me ask you. What do you stand to lose when you get rejected by a stranger? You might feel embarrassed in that moment.
But do you think that’s something you’ll remember in 1 month?
Also, I can guarantee you that no one cares about your embarrassment!
Let me tell you about…
The Spotlight Effect
What you think might be embarrassing might just be something you exaggerate in your head. So you think everyone’s looking at you when, in reality, no one is.
Has your friend ever said something like, “Oh my gosh, I look horrible today! My dark eye circles are so bad and I’m breaking out”? But you didn’t notice anything. They look exactly the same!
That’s the spotlight effect happening when your friend feels insecure and thinks that everyone notices their flaws. But no one is.
If you’d like to get over your fear of “being seen” in public, just go out and sit somewhere. When you see someone doing something you deem embarrassing, look around to see whether anyone else witnessed it too. It’s most likely that only one or two others saw it by chance.
See, everyone’s too busy with their own life to care, right? Even if all eyes are on that person, they’ll probably forget whatever happened the next day!
Alright Then. Now I Know What To Do, What Should I Not Do?
But hold onto your horses!
Before you take off, remember to keep these 3 most commonly made mistakes in mind, so you won’t make them!
Asking The Wrong Questions
This goes beyond asking questions that are appropriate and making them feel uncomfortable.
And asking questions that aren’t related to what you’re talking about, might be even worse!
If you want to have conversations like a journalist, ask open-ended questions, which are any questions that don’t end with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
Instead of asking, “Do you like this weather?” Ask, “What’s your favourite kind of weather?”
This gives you a chance to learn more about them, to agree with them, or to ask questions.
Also, another lesser-realised mistake I often notice, is people asking questions that answer themselves, like “Is it true that you hate frogs because they’re slimy?”
What’s the point?! This closes any chance of opening the conversation up.
When you have a conversation, you want the other person to open up and talk more, so they’ll give you something to catch on to and talk about.
Don’t Dominate The Conversation
When the conversation’s going well and you’re connecting with the other person, it can get exciting.
So you might get swept away and start yapping about yourself.
Don’t! Do you want to drive the person away by coming off as self-centred or not having an interest in them?
Think about it. If you can sense that the other person isn’t interested in you, you’d be turned off from even wanting to be around them, right?
Having a conversation is like a two-way street. So give and take!
Get To Their Level
Are you talking to a child? Your teacher, or a random stranger?
Depending on who you’re talking to, you might have to “change” around a bit.
I’m not asking you to put on a persona. In fact, be genuine.
But you can’t explain the Pythagorean theorem the same way your teacher explained it to you, to a child, right? They wouldn’t understand!
So change your tone, your body language, and the words you use, depending on who it is that you’re talking to!
Show Enthusiasm
People pick up on your energy, and most humans unconsciously try to match the other person’s energy.
So if your energy is low, the other person probably won’t see a point in caring about the conversation either.
And why would you have a conversation if you’re just going to be closed off anyway?
So show interest in what the other person is sharing, and be genuine!
Conclusion
There isn’t a secret to having great conversations.
It just requires a lot of self-improvement and experience!
For every great conversation I’ve had with a stranger, I’ve probably had 3-4 bad ones.
Being able to converse with anyone is such a valuable skill that will allow you to learn more about the world and mankind and can take you far in life.
Of course, improving your language skills via 1-to-1 English tuition also helps one to have smoother conversations.
So don’t give up and continue pressing on!
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